Bradisms: A Collection of Sayings Created/Altered/Butchered by Our Father

EBS in all his irritated glory
EBS in all his irritated glory

As sisters, one of the things we are lucky enough to have in common is our dad. Here, you will find a list of various colorful phrases, sayings, and vociferations that we’ve collected throughout the years.

**DISCLAIMER** The opinions and language presented here belong solely to our perpetually irritated father and in no way represent the views, opinions, or positions of any other person responsible for this website, anyone in his immediate family, or anyone gifted with the ability to think logically. We’re just as confused as you are. Good luck & God bless.

  • “Uglier than a bushel of burnt assholes.”
  • “He’s as reliable as a fart in a windstorm.”
  • “I’m as screwed up as Hogan’s goat.”
  • “If balls were brains she’d be Einstein.”
  • “as horny as a three pronged billy goat”
  • “If you needed to take the rectal temperature of the United States, you’d stick the thermometer in Brockton.”
  • on aging & senility, as in a nursing home – “they’re in there playing handball with their shit…”
  • talking about penalties being called in football “… it’s the pussification of America!”
  • “She wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful.”
  • “Put me in coach, I don’t smoke.”
  • “Jerking off in the moonlight.”
  • “More slippery than snot on a doorknob.”
  • “His breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.”
  • “He thinks he shits ice cream.”
  • “Son of a syphilitic whore!”
  • “I don’t know if she was bow-legged or pleasure bent.”
  • “He had green grass growing around his feet he was so full of shit.”
  • “She talks so much, her tongue is attached in the middle and it flaps at both ends.”
  • “May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your navel.”
  • “She could talk the balls off a brass monkey.”
  • “So cheap he’d squeeze a nickel until the buffalo farted.”
  • “If bullshit were music he’d be a brass band.”
  • “Shaking like a queer in a bologna factory.” (we can’t tell if he’s shaking because he’s excited or scared – either way, it’s just wrong)
  • “Shoveling shit against the tide.”
  • “Busier than a bull’s ass at fly time.”
  • “He was so cheap, he threw nickels around like they were manhole covers.”
  • “My ass looks like two crab apples tied up in a handkerchief.”
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