The Mostest Perfectest Bestest Cosmo Recipe

it's troubling how happy this makes me
it’s troubling how happy this makes me

This is by far the best cosmopolitan martini you’ll ever have and has become a staple in our regular gatherings. Whether it’s Monday Funday, Two for Tuesday, Wednesday Friendsday, or Thirsty Thursday, we’re all about it. (Friday, Saturday and Sunday don’t need nicknames because they’re already the weekend so the whole cosmo thing goes without saying.) Basically, we’ve proven that there’s never a good time not to cosmo, unless, of course, you’re responsible for transporting a bus full of preschool-aged children to take a tour of the local fire department in which case, I implore you, wait until the trip is over and you’re in for the night.

To mix your perfect cosmo, you will need just four ingredients:

  • limes (fresh limes — don’t you dare try to fake it with some frozen limeade crap, you’ll be sorely disappointed, as will we!)
  • vodka — we like Sobieski because it has a good taste, is reasonably priced, and seems to have a low hangover quotient
  • orange flavored liquor* (or *liqueur for you fancy people who prefer extra vowels in your words so they can be said with a touch of pretention) — we typically use Hiram Walker Triple Sec
  • cranberry juiceOcean Spray 100% Juice is preferable

Find your favorite way of extracting the lime juice out of the limes. I prefer a reamer with a glass container to catch the juice. ESC Blogger #2 prefers the handheld reamer to manually squeeze out the juice because she’s diesel. Either way, you will need anywhere from 6 – 8 limes, depending on their size and juiciness, to get 1 cup of fresh lime juice. The pitcher in the photo used six limes. Pulp is a personal preference, but we like some, if not all, pulp included. Pour the lime juice into a beautiful container that makes you happy and holds at least 4 1/2 cups of liquid.

Add 1 cup of Triple Sec.

Add 2 cups of vodka.

Add a splash of cranberry juice. This step is also a personal preference, but we usually use about 1/4 cup. Eventually, after making several batches (because you will be making this numerous times) you’ll be able to eyeball the resulting pink color to know how much to use.

Your cosmo recipe is finished, but you’re not done yet! The next steps are crucial to get full and thorough enjoyment from your cocktail. When possible — and you should try your best to make this possible — refrigerate, or better yet, freeze your mixture, because it’s best served ice cold. Use a shaker filled with ice to further cool the concoction and serve it poured into a delicate martini glass. Or fill a decorative tumbler with ice and serve with a thin Collins straw. We have found that these tiny straws aid in decelerating the beverage consumption by forcing us to sip slowly instead of gulping like we want to do because of how delicious it is. Plus we don’t want to make our livers any angrier than necessary. Whatever your vessel, make sure you love what you’re drinking out of because this is critical in obtaining full beverage nirvana.

There are numerous locations and/or situations that assist in creating the ultimate beverage experience. If you’re so inclined, you could don a French maid uniform and greet your husband cleavage first as he returns home after a grueling day at work, handing him his martini glass before he has a chance to hang up his fedora. However, in our household, you’d be more inclined to find my husband in said uniform, so the closest he’s going to get is me yelling, “There’s a batch of cosmos in the fridge” from the couch. (Doesn’t mean I love him any less, haters!) We have enjoyed cosmos: at home, on the deck, around the backyard fire pit, listening to music (even better if you’re lucky enough to enjoy live music played by fabulously talented family), on a walk around the neighborhood, at the beach, before a family gathering, during a family gathering, after a family gathering, etc. You get the point. It’s also an amazing remedy for PMS, menopause, stress, and other personality-altering psychoses. Want to save your children (or you, depending on whether or not you’ve damaged the kids to the point that you will claim them as dependents for the rest of your life) hundreds of thousands of dollars on therapy years from now, when they can’t form a normal relationship because of that time you went into an irrational rage about Rice Krispies spilling on the floor? Sit down, have a cosmo, and laugh about the stupid Rice Krispies. As ESC Blogger #2 is famous for saying, “If that’s the worst thing that happens to you today, you’re having a pretty good day.” She’s seasoned in the art of cosmo philosophy. Cheers!

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