I Need a Shower

your filth does not fool me
your filth does not fool me

I’ve been fairly productive today. Got the girls up and off to the bus without anyone forgetting their lunch, backpack, instrument, shoes, or to brush their teeth. Started early and met with my sister and fellow Espresso Shot Creator, Laura, about our website and getting our book ready to send to publishers (I liked typing that – it makes me feel as if we sound like we know what we’re doing,) did a bunch of laundry, emptied the dishwasher — which is by far my most hated chore although I’m not sure why — and even secured plans for a trip next summer, a full eleven months from now! And all of this is done before the girls are even home from school to interrupt with a million questions about who can come over, who can go to which friend’s house, why we don’t have the specific Fruit Roll-Ups they like, if we can go buy Shopkins (No, we’re not going to go buy Shopkins!)  However, with all this productivity going on there is one thing I forgot. I forgot to shower. Hell, I forgot to get dressed. It’s well after noon and I’m still in the clothes I slept in last night. I did brush my teeth because gross. And I washed my face. (Ok, I’m lying. I didn’t even wash my face. Yet. But I will because I’m tired of trying to blame my adult acne on other things. “Oh, it’s was so humid yesterday that my chin is full of zits.” No, it’s because you’re a disgrace of a human being, you filthy slob. Take a bath.)

It’s too late in the game for me to attempt a full-blown shower routine now, so my best defense is to dress as if I’ve been to the gym. Since I need to leave the house and present myself in public to pick up a few things at the store, I’ll look the part to fool people into thinking I’m this disgusting because I just came from the gym (even though I didn’t and have no intention of going for the rest of the day.) Between typing this paragraph and the last one, I threw on a pair of workout shorts, a sports bra, a crappy t-shirt, and sneakers. I don’t actually smell because I haven’t been sweating my ass off on a treadmill, but I sure do look that way. It would actually be pretty impressive to smell good after the gym, so this may be even more genius than I originally thought. I can picture it now – the woman with the screaming child in the snack aisle thinking “Wow, she looks like she came straight from the gym but she smells like fabric softener and dryer sheets. How does she do it?” And I’ll know what she’s thinking because of the mild look of awe and admiration on her face while I grab two boxes of my daughter’s favorite Fruit Roll-Ups. I’ll wear my acne proudly with not a hint of foundation to keep up this facade. And she’s none the wiser that, other than some basic housekeeping, I’ve been sitting in a chair in front of my computer with an unwashed face for the better part of the day.

P.S. Just for the record, I washed my face. Stop judging me.


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